Part 4 of my Josie lovin'

4. Your mother-in-law died of cancer long before you had a chance to meet her. Your own mother has twice battled cancer and won. In a wonderful post entitled,"Why Do I Relay?" you spoke of your dedication to finding a cure for this horrible disease. Tell me what it felt like to be the daughter of a parent battling cancer. Do you now live in fear of it returning? How has this experience changed you?

Being the daughter of a parent battling cancer made me feel completely helpless and out of control. There was nothing I could do to make it better for her. I went with her to have surgery, hugged her everytime I saw her, told her how much I love her, massaged her when she felt ok to be massaged, helped take care of her cat, and helped with her bills while she was out of work. None of that compared to how miserable I felt that I just simply could not make the pain go away. There was nothing I could do to make it better and making it tolerable wasn't ok with me. My mother is the person who gives and gives and gives without ever asking for anything in return or expecting anything in return. How unfair was it that this was happening to her...and twice! I was angry that it was her it happened to. I would have gave anything to trade places with her, anything. And there was nothing I could do to save her when she needed somebody to save her. My sister and I shared with her and put her life in the hands of God and her doctor. They saved her and I couldn't. I wanted desperately to hug her and make it all go away and yet I couldn't. I was helpless and pissed off at being helpless. I kept all that from her, I had to be her strength for she had none during all of the treatments. So I stayed by her side and was her support until she once again had her own strength. I know there was nothing that I could have done to help her more than what I was doing, and that feeling was miserable. I'm glad it's over and she is healed.

I worry that her cancer might come back yet I don't live in fear of it. She sees an oncologist regularly for check ups to assure she is still cancer free and so far things are looking pretty good. We spoke on the topic of "living in fear" and I told her that if we looked at life in that manner we might miss living our lives. Fear is not something that we should live for. For all the worries she has had about cancer returning, I know that she does not dwell on the matter. As she says "if it comes back, we'll deal with it then." I'm with her on that one, so if that day comes we will deal with it then...but not until that day.

That experience definately changed me in one way. I make sure to tell everybody that matters to me and that I love exactly that. I make sure to let those who I care about know that I do indeed care about them. I don't ever want to lose somebody special and worry that they didn't know exactly how much they meant to me. I want to cherish everybody while I still have them.