Well in one of Frank's posts he mentioned that he is embarassing to take out in public. He is not wrong on that one. At times it is an embarassment that I'm not sure I can escape. I wonder at times if strangers remember me from their anonymous encounters with us in stores. Here are a few of the wretched things Frank has said and done in public. Now keep in mind these are just a few!
Many year ago while shopping in a local Rite-Aid store I was one aisle away from Frank (which I should know better than to let him out of my eyesight) when he came swaggering up to me. He was walking very bowlegged and acting like he had a full blown fire between his legs. While waddling, swaggering, and bowlegged bobbling towards me he says in a VERY loud voice "Honey I think the rash is spreading! Where do they sell the yeast infection cream?"
Another memorable one was when walking thru our local Wally World he sings every damn song. Now I don't mean quietly and in tune. I am talking at the top of his damn lungs, with a southern twang, and so off key I am sure there were dogs miles away howling along. Did he stop when face to face with the poor lady who checked us out? Oh hell no! He kept going. And she smiled and said "It's always good to see people enjoy themselves and have fun." Like I needed her to encourage his ass!
One that got me and the kids walking quickly away from him was when on a grocery trip I sent him off to get some soda. I knew he would get a few 2liters but didn't imagine that he would also grab some toilet paper while over that way. How did I know he picked up toilet paper as well? Well, the kids and I heard an odd noise. Like a thump, thump, thump, thump. A few moments apart in the thumping but a very paced thumping. As we all turned around at the same time we see Frank. With his arms loaded down with 2liters of soad, kicking a HUGE 24 pack of toilet paper down the freaking aisle! I was horrified and we turned to get away from him as quickly as possible. But then reality set in and we all knew that not only would he chase us down while kicking the huge pack of toilet paper down aisles but that soon he would be calling our names! We had no choice but to go closer to him and make him stop!
My all time most horrifying time in public?
Once again walking the Wally World, he looks at me innocently and asks in his loud tone of smugness "Remember that time the police arrested you for abusing me?" Naturally my mouth fell open and I swatted his arm and said "Shut the hell up!" which only made him quip "You know if you keep hitting me they could arrest you again." I simply could not walk fast enough trying to escape him for I knew he would not let it go...which he didn't until the kids were almost breathless from laughing so hard.
Some other things he likes to do in public?
Hide behind aisles to leap out and holler "Boo" as I turn the corner.
Squat down in a very dramatic way to scratch himself. Yes, there!
Walk like he has a MAJOR disability and make insane faces to match.
In furniture stores, he leaps onto the beds. Not just lay on them, leap onto them.
Gosh, I think I have blocked all the other things from my memory. I know there are more, just my mind won't let them escape from memory. Thank goodness!
What can I say, I like to make an impression.
ReplyDeleteThat you do!
ReplyDeleteFor the record, the singing was at Christmas. An Elvis song inspired the southern drawl.
ReplyDeleteAnd the toilet paper thing, I was also carrying a 24 pack, its why I had to resort to kicking one.
Ahhhh, now I remember it all clearly. But the toilet paper thing? We have three kids! One could have helped or you could have made two trips. Just embarassing dude!
ReplyDeleteOMG, and you still go out with him?? I love the spouse abuse one best. :-) Ahh yes, the times you'd really like to walk away and pretend you don't even know him! My ex was also prone to public outbursts and any topic was fare game. I have slithered, red faced, under booths in restaurants many times. It only goes to prove the theory I was telling you about, Chele. Men really never do grow up much past the age of ten! But you've gotta admit, it's never boring!! :-)
ReplyDeleteYou deserve combat pay.
ReplyDeleteShe so didn't find the spouse abuse thing funny. Spot did, and his laughter got me into even more trouble over the incident, of which I am quite proud!
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